Singlehood, Part III: Lawyered!

Column Singlehood - Banner

Last time in Singlehood, Part II: I’m over Mister Small Penis:

By that time, I had gained ten kilograms since the relationship started, to April 2014. I did realize I was fat but somehow didn’t want to do anything about it. Dating people was not in my vocabulary. A friend told me about Tinder and I made an account, that wasn’t the best experience to be honest. I had a lot of matches, but all were more into sex and not into dating, the ones who were into dating were straight dumb assholes. This app made me insecure even more. I had gained a lot of weight and wasn’t going to show my naked self to any man on planet earth as long as I was looking like I did. College had gone worst, I had failed almost all my classes and couldn’t pass for them all in the resit period. I didn’t gain the required 50% and wasn’t allowed to study at this university anymore and didn’t see that coming. I had to make a choice ASAP and quickly decided I should go for a language teacher’s program. I came home crying after a week in that college, quit, and started Applied Linguistics all over again, in another university. By October 2014, still single. 

I couldn’t find my marks in here, I wasn’t friends with anyone, still thinking about last year where everything was great friendship wise. October went by, the first year anniversary of my sister’s death. I couldn’t believe it had been a year already. Update on my #YOLO project? Stil not very far, to be honest. I wasn’t in the mood either to yoloing the *ish out of everything. I felt like nothing. But at least, I wasn’t lying to my boyfriend about university, like Mister Small Penis did. About that story, Mister Small Penis told me he was in law school in Rotterdam when we met. At first, as I didn’t know Mister Small Penis, I believed him. You know, giving people the benefit of the doubt, right? After knowing him a bit, I quickly realized that him being in Law School is extremely ambitious. He was a slow minded person. He did speak his first language on a mother tongue level (I guess??) but, his English and Dutch were rotten and the rest of his polygotness, inexistent. He then told me his mom paid 8000 euros for his entire BA at Erasmus University while this is not how tuition goes in Holland. You pay year by year as you do not know if you can actually pass a year in college as you have to gain all credits back in order to pass to BA 2, fully. And back then tuition fee for a year in a Dutch College was around €1700,00 x 3 years in Law School = €5100,00. He also told me that he got a train abonnement from Antwerp to Rotterdam from the university, which after a little research, doesn’t exist. And when I confronted him with all these facts, he didn’t know what to say, as ‘Mommy did all the paperwork for him’. So, who are you trying to impress here, really? No one, indeed. Then, at the end of his so-called First BA in Law School, I asked him if he had any retakes to do (which you expect from a guy who isn’t that clever, I could even say, plain stupid.) and the answer was NO. He also had plenty of time to wake up around 10 during the finals, could study 3 to 4 hours a day and go to the gym at night like it’s all a piece of cake. Oh, oh! And he called me a couple of times during the academic year, telling me he was in class (in Holland, obviously) and hung on the phone for an hour, while I told him he shouldn’t call me as it is very expensive but he’d always tell me ‘Don’t worry, don’t worry, my mom pays the bill’ and as it an international phone call, I’d expect to pay half way through the conversation, but I never had to. And my true detective-self would found this to be strange and check his ‘flag’ on BBM that would tell me if he was in Holland yes or no and as I guessed, never of these times he would suppose to be in Holland, the Dutch flag would come up. NEVER.  


So Mister Small Penis not only had a small penis, he was a filthy lying prick too. Oh, oh! I was Googling ‘Mister Small Penis’ to see if this term was already in use (but it wasn’t) and I found a picture of sizes of penises and conclusion: we should call him Mister Extra Small Penis, as a ‘small penis’ was bigger than his, but we’re not going to do that, as I like Mister Small Penis as a name. In my case a name, in his case a Lifestyle and fact. For some reason, I’d like to prank him at the moment. Just because I feel like I should give Karma a push in the back. I once told him that one day Karma would take him back and I’d be watching him on the front row, but that day hasn’t come yet, and I’m really in doubt about if that day will ever come. 

Karma did somehow hit him after the breakup. A little before the breakup, the gym we went to was going to swap from being a HealthCity (an all inclusive gym) to Basic-Fit (a basic no facilities gym). He obviously wasn’t going to workout in a basic gym, so he was going to switch to HealthCity in Berchem. I would too, as it was the closest to where the other gym was and I fully used the sauna, tanning bed, and other facilities. At that time, we were still together but he started weird conversations about the gym, quite often. Saying it wasn’t a good idea going to that gym in Berchem because all his friends were there, he couldn’t give me any attention, etc. Pure Bull crap, I ruminated about for days. Literally, a day before the final day our gym was a HealthCity, he broke up with me! Don’t you think it’s weird? I did! That’s why he didn’t convince me to swap to another HealthCity in the city. Starting from November 2012, I went to HealthCity Berchem, and he was there too. He’d see me every single day and he’d look down to the ground, as of he was ashamed. He’d better look down, that son of a *****! He somehow became my motivation to go to the gym, this way I’d stay thin. I got quickly over that gym, left it as it was far from where I live and moved to HealthCity Keyserlei, in the city. 

2014 went by and somehow wanted to make friends in my class, and so I did. I became friends with Zoë and Ines. By that time in 2015, I was still very much single. I wanted to retire from the department of Singlehood, but things started to change a bit in that department. 

Each week I am going to tell you a piece of my singlehood story and last relationship, that will lead us to where I am today. If you are interested in knowing more, stay tuned on my blog because I will be posting an article each week to tell you more about it. I will not divulge any real names in it, if one day I use a name, I will make sure to change the name to another one, except if that person is okay with being named. Obviously, I am not sharing any specific details about my ex or any involved men. We’ll call him Mister Small Penis.

Until Next Time, 

Love | Sarah K.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *